A little bit of sugar, a little bit of spice

uh oh. I think I found what I want to do with my life.

Agriscience Education. It requires a lot of what it sounds like... agriculture, science and a few education classes.

Science?? Um, fuck?? I have to take 4 chemistry classes to graduate. That actually MIGHT just kill me. Or I'll fail out of college. One of the two, but I havn't decided which one yet. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm going home this weekend. Tomorrow for a doctor's appointment and then for some competition with this cute boy I know. *btw, he's going down*

I love my floor, I love my girls and my classes are not that bad. I met a nice guy in my econ class who can help me a lot with the material. He's really interesting.

I miss carl. I wish he were coming home this weekend. Cassie too.

I've been spending a lot of time with pam, maggie and some other people.

It's been an interesting 2 weeks.

I've moved into B409 Armstrong Hall where I am a resident assistant. A Resident Mentor. I've heard people introduce themselves as "Hi, I'm ...., Your MENTOR!" That's kind of a lot to throw at someone. "Hi, I'm your role model for the year." Is what I hear. It's kinda forced. I usually started out by telling the girls I lived on the floor and offered to help them. Then I'd slip in to them that I live in the room surrounded by bulliten boards if they wanted anything later. They'd walk by, see my little plaque and be like "ohhh you're the RA!?" and then ask me about 40 questions about myself and our community.

Hahah, I seriously am IN LOVE with my job right now. I have had a lot of luck with my residents. All of the girls that arrived yesterday were really, really cool. A couple of them even woke me up to say hello after they'd been out for the night! It was sooo sweet! I was on duty last night with Matt and we didn't have any problems, which is fantastic. We just went around and met a lot of residents of A-Strong. my job is so amazing!

I had a long talk with my parents yesterday over dinner.

They decided I don't have food issues, afterall. Mostly, because I don't.

I'm not sure I like when I get a text message that says
"Dear Kristi, You were fucking trashed last night. Love, Black Mike."
...whoops.
Maybe a little bit. I love beer, we all know this, I can't deny it. :)

But then again, maggie's away message is :
"dear kristi, lets go on more all nigth adventures ok??, love maggie."

I guess I kept mailing people verbal letters last night... omg... I don't even remember. ...Friends, don't challenge me to drinking contests. I will accept and try my hardest, and we all know I can't handle it.

But Maggie and Black Mike hooked up and it was the best thing EVERRRRRR.

Maggie, would you settle for dating best friends, instead of brothers??? Because I think I would.

Mike and Black Mike look really, really funny next to eachother. Mike couldn't be anymore metro-white boy. And Black Mike, well, he's the sterotypical black guy football player. And I love it, a lot.

PS: I got the scholarship :) x 100

I have never been so scared, unprepared and nervous in my whole life.

I'm terrified.

I should be really, really excited to get back on campus with my girls. To have nights that turn into mornings before I know it and my friends that became my family by my side. I'm half a campus away, with ungodly amounts of responsibility.

I love my friends. I don't mind school. I just don't know if I am able to handle such a transition from living with someone I always could rely on to go downstairs to cafeteria with, friends that were always over and ready to hang out... to living all by myself with girls who think I am there to just ruin thier lives and keep them from having a good time. That's not what I want to be. I want to be there for them, give them advice and listen to them and make some new friends. These girls already hate the floor, they've been told by upper classmen "if you live on the 4th floor, everyone will think you're a dyke." ... in those exact words.
WoW.
What a fucking asshole. Ugh. I hate people sometimes.

I want to figure out this other situation. A nice boy from a gas station... a boy from back in the day who makes me laugh... What am I supposed to do? I guess i'll just have to figure this one out on my own... and probably soon.

I can't believe its been ...months? since I've been home. all of may, all of june and now we're nearing the end of july.

Why do i feel like i have accomplished NOTHING? Mostly because I havn't, really.

There is so much going on right now... that I don't know where to start or where to finish, but tomorrow is my last day at IHOP for the summer :). Then it's all fair projects and packing all week... and then FAIR 2006 and then movin' in on the 11th, not to come back until labor day!!

IHOP, Ada Witch, Ouija, morning star, gnome stealing, skinny dipping, naked driving, holding hands, more naked driving, a blue house in G-Rap, a little bit of unexpected kissing, spooning, nap, drive home.


What an eventful night.

I got a visit from Brett, my jewish love.  It was nice to see him, sad to see him go... I know we confuse eachother and I'm okay with that.  I like mystery. 

Lately I have been busy packing up all of my stuff into one box and getting ready to head off to fabulous Michigan State for another fun-filled year.  I still cannot get over the fact that I am going to be responsible for about 60 girls who are very unhappy about being placed on a quiet all-girl's floor. 

I guess we'll all get over it. 

It's almost time for fair.  I have about a million and a half things to do before I'm ready, so I quit work a week early to get some of the stuff done. 

You said the way my blue eyes shined,
Put those Georgia stars to shame that night
I said: "That's a lie"
Just a boy in a Chevy truck,
That had a tendency of gettin' stuck,
On backroads at night
An' I was right there beside him all summer long
An' then the time we woke up to find that summer'd gone 

.......................................

I'm far from heart broken, I'm just disapointed.  A summer romance, What did i expect? Well, not really a romance, more of a fling.  If that.  I just had a wonderful time and I dont want to regret anything... 

I thought he was someone he wasn't.  Honest mistake, right?  

I just don't know if I can believe that he came over, didn't even make eye contact with me and drank one of my beers... Left without really a good bye.  But then the next day apology was something remarkable.  
"You don't have to call me and say you're sorry"

I just want to move on... But then again I want to go back and fix things... but we all know that doesn't happen.

"State the Obvious...
I didn't get my perfect fantasy
Realized you loved yourself more than you could ever love me...
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That's fine I'll tell mine you're gayyyyy.
By the way...
I hate that stupid ol' pick up truck you never let me drive.....
...There's no time for tears, I'm just sittin' planning my revenge... There's nothin' stopping me from goin out with all your best friends... And if you come around saying sorry to me, my daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be! " -Taylor Swift

I miss holding hands. 

Back in the day, that's all I ever did.  Hold hands.  I wasn't even that into making out or even just kissing.  I was much too nervous for that.

I remember walking out of his house... he would grab my hand awkwardly, I'd laugh and regrab his hand in a fashion that was more comfortable.  Then we would get in the car and he would drive me home.  We always held hands, no matter where we were.  It was a safe, secure feeling.  I really, honestly miss that.  And I also miss him.  I wish he would have stayed the same person.  And I wish I hadn't been a dumb bitch.

Then there was Ryan.  Ryan was the most physical person I've ever dated.  He was very into holding hands and tickling and hugging.  He drove a stick shift, but that didn't stop him from holding my hand or keeping his hand firmly planted on my knee.  He was a sexy cowboy.  Who liked to be a romantic.  Who's dog smelled really bad.  But he was sweet.  That was of course, before he cheated on me because I didn't want to go further than all of the hand holding, hugging tickling he had to offer.  Sometimes I'm really glad I dated him because I learned a lot about myself when we were together.  Sometimes I can't believe I let myself lose a good friend over a guy who didn't even matter in the long run. 

Middle school was the time hand-holding was designed for.  Josh Vandervood and I "dated" right before my freshman year of high school.  He had blue hair, and I had  a strange taste in boys.  We had met a few years before on the internet and then accidently met in person ....on the way to the East Coast.  We fell for eachother, basically instantly.  He was too quiet, but other than that, we made the cutest couple, basically ever.  We walked around the towns of the east coast, holding hands and debating for the right to sit next to eachother on the tour bus.  Our first kiss was at Hershey Park, on the monorail.  It was a nervous, quick peck on the lips.  On the way home, we were able to sneak around and he ended up in the seat next to me.  We were so innocent.  I fell asleep with my head on a pillow in his lap.  Later he told stacia it was really uncomfortable position for him, but I looked too comfortable for him to wake me.  ....The next morning he puked all over everything.  And I couldn't help but laugh.  

My first major crush was also named Ryan.  I met him the first week of sixth grade.  At first, I found him to be really annoying and I was really pissed that we were forced to sit next to eachother because we had alphabetical seating.  As weeks progressed, I discovered his charming personality along with his great sense of humor.  In middle school fashion, I Tasked him if he would like to skate with me at the Rollerskating Parties that Sheridan Trail held for the students.  He said maybe.  "Skating together" was the equivalent of going to prom together in high school.  Two skaters held hands and skated in circles while a whiney song by the backstreet boys played in the background.  When I arrived at the skating party, I'm sure I was wearing a t-shirt that was about 10 sizes too big, probably white without a bra because I was shaped like a boy until about 9th grade and some rockin' rollerblades.  I saw Ryan and I can actually remember he was wearing a red and white redwings shirt.  *sad, huh?*  I skated over to him and casually asked if he would like to skate with me when the lights turned low and "couple skate" was annouced.  He looked nervous and said he would have, but he attained a girlfriend earlier in the night.  He looked over at a blonde barbie doll who was actually in the act of twisting her hair and chomping gum.  I recognized her from my gym class.  Kirsten Sanderson.  I remember acting like i wasn't hurt, telling him that i was happy for him or something,  I turned around to skate away and i TRIPPED over a bench.   Then i went home and cried forever.

All in all, the happiest place I can be in with my hand inside of a guy that I care about's hand.

Mom looked at me yesterday afternoon, "You're not actually wearing that, are you?" I looked down at my denim mini skirt and white tank top and wondered what was wrong with it.  I ran back upstairs and threw on a pink haltertop I bought for MSU parties.  It is dressy enough not to look slutty.  Mom made me print off directions from Mapquest, which i was having difficulty with.  I printed off directions and headed out.

We got into the car and picked up aunt julie.  We headed our way to Holland, where Samantha was celebrating her bridal shower at Pietro's resturant.  We got lost in Holland for over an hour.  I just kept making short, one lined remarks to make mom and aunt julie laugh/ piss them off.  It was the most interesting car ride I've ever had.  We ended up an hour late for this damn party that I didn't even want to go to. 

Once we arrived, I realized how important it was for us to be there.  Samantha's own mother didn't care enough about her to go to the party even.  Mom said we had to look good and act normal because she thought that Samantha's husband's side of the family thought we were nuts, mostly b/c Sam is half psycho and her mother disowned her.  I told her "and I'm sure we looked GREATTTTTT when we walked over an hour late."

After the shower, I came home and worked on my door tags for 4B.  I just want to get them out of the way, because that is one thing I don't want to have to worry about when I get to school.   I'm really scared all of the sudden.  I know these girls are going to be like "FUCK AUTHORITY" and they're going to want nothing to do with me and they're going to hate me and I'm going to be really depressed and Hate brody and Armstrong and the other resident mentors and I'm going to be beyond miserable and end up sleeping in my bed over in Holden that my girls made for me. 

Ian and I talked for a little while.  It's really nice talking to him.  I don't feel any pressure to be anything.  Especially nice. I'm basically the biggest bitch to him.  And I'm sarcastic and smart with him. 

he fristi show: i got a singing gig
Vegita889: where at?
the fristi show: the fair
the fristi show: national anthem ;-) at opening ceremonies
the fristi show: then im going to sing "Leave the Pieces" later in the week
Vegita889: i will definitely be there
the fristi show: lol why... to watch me choke/ fuck up
Vegita889: tell me when and where and i will be there
the fristi show: lol no
the fristi show: you hear me suck enough in the car
Vegita889: you have a nice singing voice
Vegita889: i was just kidding anyways, i will probably be doing drugs that day
the fristi show: haha, sweetheart, you do drugs everyday
Vegita889: do you call all the cute guys sweetheart, or just the ones that give you drugs?
the fristi show: you dont tell me what to do

But i like myself better when I'm with him.  Sometimes. 

I saw my brother's girlfriend updated her facebook profile and she upgraded her relationship status to ENGAGED.  I about died.  I've spent all morning laughing and mom and dad were like "WHATT!" so i told them and they said "don't laugh, its probably true."

Then I checked my voicemail.  I had two voicemails from the early morning.  Apple Juice (a guy I met at work) called me to see what was going on. He wants to come see me at work again tonight. 

The next message was from 'Fro.  "Hey Kristi.  I havn't talked to you in a while. I would imagine that's my fault.  I really fucked up."
The first thing that ran through my mind is he fucked up by asking me for MM's number. 
"I spent seventeen hours in jail.  I got a DUI.  $5,000 down the drain.  Well anyway, Call me back!"

...OUCH!! 

I should take him to dinner or something.  I knew he was going to get caught eventually, but I'm just thankful he didn't hurt himself or someone else.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped where I don't belong. 

I want to finish school (next 3-4 years) and then move to the south.  Not HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS south, but maybe the beautiful Carolinas or Georgia... I need to work on that.  

My parents got on my back the other day about who i've become.  Apparently I'm unmotivated and I spend too much time asleep.  I don't... I just don't like them so I spend a lot of time in my room.  Not sleeping.  Mostly reading or doing internet this or that.  I've also been packing to move out again.  I know I don't leave for another 4 weeks, but I can't wait another minute... Basically.  The official move in day for Resident Mentor Staff is 8:30 am on Friday August 11, 2006. 

I have to find time to move in ahead of time, so I can show up on Saturday at about 3-5pm for training.... Although training technically starts at 2pm on Saturday. 

Carl and Lisa kidnapped me yesterday and we went on some "drives" and then went to Blues on the Mall.  We ate taco bell, free pizzas and some ice cream drink that tasted like Coffee and Bailey's.  We were standing on a street corner and Carl goes "Kristi, it's Ian." So I turned around and saw Ian Lane standing there with two of his friends.  He saw me as well.  We both turned away from eachother, preteneding it never happened.  I don't think I'll ever bring that up again to him.  Maybe we both can forget. 

I spent the night out with Stacia at my cottage.  We went to bed when we got out there after some boys came out to say hello.  Then this morning we went tanning on the dock, then drove up to see my cousin david.  We had a drink with him, sobered up and drove back to Rockford.  I drove down Plainfeild and decorated a cup and saucer for 4-H.

Well, its BRIDAL SHOWER TIME!! *puke*

PS: The boy never called.  I called him and he was like "i want to bring my friend and his girlfriend."  I said that I would pass on that idea, and I would see him later.  We all know I really will NOT see him later... 

"Kristi... You'll smoke (my goods), we can sleep next to each other on the beach and we hang out all the time, but you won't even kiss me?"
"Um, boyfriend?"

What was I supposed to say. I just sat there, awkwardly... looking into his blue, peircing eyes. I could tell he wasn't thrilled.

"I'm not asking you to date me, but just so you know, It's on the table."


I felt like the biggest asshole ever. I just sat there, staring at the overflowing ashtray, trying my best to avoid eye contact with him. I knew we have spent a lot of time together, but he's the one that told me less than a month ago, "Just because we hang out now doesn't mean anything is different between us." That made me feel relieved, I remember. Maybe not relieved, but more curious as to he he had become over the year and some months we had gone without speaking to eachtoher.

I guess I don't get it.

I'm reading "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls. I remember this one time, Daryl and I were standing in the hallway outside his room, as we so often did. There was a poster across from his door that was suggesting the book for summer reading for all MSU students, not just incoming freshman and mentors. It claimed the book was uplifting, but the cover displayed a little blonde girl who looked like she had her face in her hands, as if she were crying. Daryl pointed out that a book with a crying girl on the cover probably wasn't uplifting, or something to that effect. Now that I have the book, I see that the girl's hand is in front of her mouth and the cover opens to show her wispering in another girl's ear. Ah, the things that go misinterpreted and misunderstood.

EDIT:
I'm pretty sure my parents still think I have food issues.  Maybe I'm paranoid.  They always look at me funny when I eat dinner with them and they make a big deal about making dinner before I go to work to make sure that I eat something.  And then they question me. 

I can't wait until I get back to school sometimes.  Sometimes I dont ever want to go back.  I can do without. 

Ugh, Alex from IHOP is calling.  He's 17, and that's too young for me. I decided maybe I should only date guys who go to school.  Guys who want to better themselves, not ride on other's coattails.  He basically told me he was a lazy sonofabitch when i hung out with him the first time.  I was less than impressed.

The date was a DISASTER.
okay, maybe I'm overreacting. He picked me up, opened my door for me all gentleman like... right? So he asks me: Do you like working the 3rd shift? And I say... "Yes, I hate old people and children."

10 minutes later he tells me he has a child.

Um, Thanks.

THEN we went to the resturant. He's very good at telling a woman what they want to hear. I was impressed with his methods of trying to get the girl. He tells me he's 24. Too Old. He tells me about HIS country. I'm not interested. We debate about gay marriage. Not for a first date. He stares at me. I feel uncomfortable. He orders.... calamari. No, thank you. Rubberbands that taste like fried fish. Sick. I feel sick and want to go home. Not a lame excuse, I started on some new meds and I just feel crappy after taking them. We left. He gives me... body jewelry when we get to the car. I don't like suprises! He claims to love them. I almost fall asleep on the way home. I can't take much more of his talking.... his "i will spend every day with you until i die" routine. Um, I'm 19, sir. I'm not ready to settle. I'm not ready to date a man with a child. I'm not really even that ready to date a man five years my senior, or any person at all. I'm not the serious relationship kind, I'm told.

So here's the more creepy part: I get to work and my manager tells me every detail about the date b/c he called and told him and wanted to know if i was interested... blah blah blah. He even knew what we were BOTH wearing... how fucking weird. I told Ray I am not interested... we said I need to tell him:

A) I got back with my Josh. Technically, Josh and I are complicated to nothing at all... but Hey, whatever.
B)I talked to my parents and they don't think I should be seeing someone that old with a child, I have school to focus on right now and that is my main goal. A relationship would put my education in jeopardy.
C) "I'm just not that into you." P.S. "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't Hate Me." (SEX AND THE CITY)
D) I'm really a lesbian. That's why I got offended by the gay marriage topic. (Only, I'm not really a lesbian)
E) I think you need someone that can be more dedicated to a relationship that I can be.

Overall, he would be a good idea in theory... If I were 24 and desperate for marriage. But... I'm not. I have a lot of living left to do... A lot of normal boys to date (but some how they always end up not being normal).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

In other news, I caved. I played it cool and called him. Why, Why WHY did i call him? God, I'm such a jackass. I sounded really stupid too.

Then again, when do i not??

I guess we're hanging out this week... We're going to go out on the lake and have a good time.... or something like it. I'll probably be all nervous... But I think I'm just going to be myself... because I have passed the point of giving a fuck what he thinks, or atleast I'm close. He's hotter than hell, perfect for me personality wise... but there is only so much I can say/do to make him see that. So i'm quite over it if he's not interested. I have a whole campus full of men with ambitions, rich futures (not just monitarily), and similar interests. I can't complain too much, can I?

I think I've lost it. I can't take a hint. But then again, boys are the most confusing things. You want to date, but then you don't call... ever. I don't want to be lead on. I just wish he would be straight up with me and say "this is what i want" (or don't want) and stop the .... games??

I understand people get busy. I worked 2 jobs, (one full time) and took 8 hours of class downtown a week and still made time to see him. If its important, you make time. I don't like being... NOT important, ya know? or atleast important enough. I can't assume anything, I suppose, But i'm going to anyway. This just doesn't add up.


I went to Grand Haven with Ian this morning. We got downtown and there was a million people and police. I became paranoid because of the contents of my car. I basically just bitched Ian out over and over. He liked it. We drove to Holland and West Ottawa and went to Kirk State Park and passed out. I slept for three hours while the sand covered me. I was basically burried when I woke up.

I think things are getting weird. I asked him to go camping. He said "no, we spend too much time together." and i asked him if it was a problem b/c of his friends... and he said yes, but he didnt want to talk about it anymore. Um... okay??

I got my book for ResLife in the mail today... Am I really mentoring? I'm soooooooooo nervous. I can't beleive fucking Valerieluvsyou is one of my residents. That's really, really ironic, But i knew it was going to happen. I just had a feeling.

It's about time for a little more sleep/reading. I love reading, i wish i had more time :)

He called. I missed it. Now to call back, or just let it slide and see how long it takes before he tries again?

"I'll admit it got to me, hearing your voice on my machine, it took all I had just to let you talk, and not pick up... where we left off..." -Julie Roberts

Oh, the games women and men play. Fair is fair, right? I called him and got no response... Fuck that. This is the absolute LAST thing I need in my life. I guess I could call and say, "oh, i hope you didn't want to hang out tonight... I'm going on a date with someone who asked me out at work. But I hope you have a good night too!"

So what if he's really really good looking and has the perfect personality for me... Where else am I going to find a guy who drives the same car as I do, loves AC/DC, wears really nice jeans (lol), keeps a 40 oz'er for emergencies, will go skinny dipping with me, plays guitar, ..... so many more things that I thought were perfect about him... but I guess I was wrong. But then again, when am I right?

Anyway, I have a date with a guy named MO tonight. My manager told me that I had to go out with him because he's a great guy with a lot of money. That just made me really uncomfortable. Then Rachael, the new girl at work, said I should go out with him because his little brother drives a brand new BMW... What the hell? Why can't I just go out with a guy who is NICE because he's NICE not because his family has a lot of money? He came up to me after asking me for my phone number with a bracelet for me... I really really did not feel comfortable with him doing that. When he called to ask me to dinner, he said that he is just a generous person and not to take the gift as anything out of the ordinary. I wonder if he could see the FREAKED OUT look in my eyes when he gave it to me.


Maybe he'll be generous enough to pick up my bill for all of the money i spent tonight at the mall... Just Kidding. But I really did spend way too much money. 2 jeans, a cute tube top, sunglasses, a hoodie and a new messenger bag for school.... a trip to victoria secret resulting in 2 new items to my collection..... I just bought a new coach purse this week and over $100 at victoria secret online... I think I have a spending problem :)

I rattled off seven digits after a married police officer asked me for my phone number... IHOP is never dull, I swear.

I find it very odd that the night after he kisses me... He calls me to ask me for my friend's phone number.

Did I mention I hate men? Especially the cute ones.

I stood there, looking into his eyes. My thumbs tucked into the back pockets of my plaid shorts. Before I knew it, his hands were wrapped around my cheeks? And he was kissing my lips. I stood still. In shock, really. I didn't budge as he continued. I didn't want to stop him, but I knew I couldn't do anything without being dishonest. I hope he doesn't think i'm... I don't really know... I dont want him to think I wasn't interested or into it. I just really was not expecting it.

I know that's terrible, because ...Josh, right? Well, Wrong. I decided I am just going to have to get over him, although he did say he liked me, blah blah blah BULLSHIT. I don't care if he DOES like me, he has a funny way of showing it. Forget him, honestly. I don't like being blown off. I don't want to play games with him, I really don't. Say you'll call and you don't. Say you want something more, but that's not the truth. I know what you want, and you're not going to get it, my dear. I'm not even sorry.

So we had talked. And I didn't act like I was 12. We were normal. I was normal, i suppose, because he always has been. He has always been mature and he's never cared about the stupid shit that I have found myself so concerned with over the past year.

I noticed my phone had a missed call, and it was him. I remember last summer that call would have not been missed. I would have waited for him forever. I was, yes, pathetic. I had never had someone like him in my life before. An irresistable, older, love-interest that had some false-sense of interest toward me.

Maybe he sensed that one day I would grow-up. I'm not ever going to grow up... so he's probably wrong.

I don't even know what to make out of last night. Last night or the kiss in my driveway. Maybe it was an accidental fluke like every kiss last summer was. Especially the one on the car that was witnessed by Kyle... Whoops. Apparently he likes to ruin my summer flings. I may just have to thank him for that. Because this recent one was quite a mistake. I wish it were not so complicated with Josh. Maybe its not and i'm reading into it too much... but not seeing someone you're supposedly "dating" for a week... not calling when you say you will and not keeping with empty/half-hearted plans.... There is something not right with that. Maybe I'm crazy, but then again, maybe not.

A year ago I would have just figured "he's in love with me." and not questioned anything else. Now I'm skeptical of everyone and I hate it. I guess I'm less likely to be labeled as gullible...

"Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna hurt like hell."

i cannot believe I leave Grand Rapids in about a month. I've been home for 2 months as of today and it feels like I've been here for about 2 weeks, if that. I'm really scared. It's not the class that scares me anymore. It's not meeting new people and hoping they'll like me. It's not getting lost on campus or being late for class, homework, roommates, cafeteria food, living in a tiny space, being away from home..... not this year.

I have a lot to live up to. I have to keep my grades up while meeting new people, being on time for class on the huge campus that is easy to get lost on, while completing homework for classes that are much too hard for me still. That's never going to change as long as I'm in college.
This year I have to be a role model with a large responsibility while maintaining friendships from the past school year and making time to breathe and have a good time. I'm all about good times.

Yesterday was one of those summer-defining days.

I got out of work at 6:30 am… after a long, long night. It was the premiere of the Superman movie at the IMAX… So I was swamped and I was of course, the only server on that night. I made decent money, but I had to work WAYYY too hard for it.

Ian and Kevin came to work and waited for me to get out. Then we drove to my house and played with the goats. I got ready, we drove to Meijer and then headed to Grand Haven!!! We spent the morning lying on the beach talking about …everything. Mostly about how we thought it was REALLY weird that we were at the beach together considering a year ago we wanted each other dead. I had really good time with him! I remember why I used to hang out with him and realized how stupid we had both been. We were immature and a lot was changing. I’m glad it happened because I have good stories from our fights and I learned a lot. So I can’t write it off totally as a mistake.

After the beach, Lisa came over. We were going to go boating at my cottage. She has a cooler full of goods, and I was ready to drink it all up. I hadn’t slept any yet, so I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. I asked my dad for the keys to the boat and he said the boat was not working, so I had to break the news to Stacia and ‘Fro who were also going to join us. We all talked about what to do… but eventually we just ended up going over to ‘Fro’s hour and we watched a little TV. It wasn’t as boring as it sounds, we traded stories and laughed about the stupid shit we did last summer… mostly about the passing out in random places and talking in our sleep…. LoL. I miss those times.

We left ‘Fro’s and went to BW3’s… after we drank the goods. I got really sick and threw up 11 times. Then we got a ton of wings and ate them as we messed around with my digital camera. Drunkasses.

After that we drove back to my house so I could change my clothes and brush my teeth before we headed out to Josh’s. Stacia and I drove out to his house and we watched the boys fix Josh’s sound system for a good hour. We got eaten by mosquitoes and I was still drunk and lying on his sidewalk. Josh and Jake played their guitars and we watched a movie once one part of the system was fixed. Josh showed me his appendix incision. His appendix burst last Friday… ouch.

It was nice being in his arms as we watched the movie… I fell asleep. For the first time in two days. He woke me up and we went into his room to talk. I told him I thought we were too awkward around each other. He told me the opposite. I found this to be exciting for me. I wanted to hear him say that, and he did. I just didn’t think it would actually happen. He asked if we were dating… I just about died. I didn’t know what to say, so I did my usual self-defense thing and made a joke out of the situation. God, I’m an asshole. But I wanted to. I want to. I am. We are.

He called me again... at 6. Still drunk. Still cute. I giggled and i was truely happy. I was still at work ... He left me an interesting voicemail... :) I love boys sometimes.

But sometimes I don't like boys. Like the cute on from Cedar Springs. Its uncomfortable to let that go, but its more discomforting knowing that I look like a fool because I am interested in him and he has no interest for me.

Work = Made one of my "goals" for summer--- $103/8 hours of work. Not too shabby. Too bad i missed out a few parties :(

I cannot be more excited for Wednesday. A cooler full of beer, a couple fishing poles and a curly-haired boy and I out on Green Lake. It will be beautiful! I pray we have good weather!!! I don't want to miss this!

I thought back to another memory today. I packed up my Little Shop DVD and drove to Scott Hollingsworth's house last summer around this time. Lisa, Scott, his bitchy sister and I watched my performance from senior year. He called and shortly came to visit. He sat in the large chair and I sat on the arm. I wanted to die when we viewed my performance of "Mushnik and Son" and I have my Fiddler on the Roof moment. "Held pent up in Si--i-yie, yie YIIIEE *Gasp* YIIIIIIIIEEDDDDDDDDDDD"

He laughed. I felt sooo stupid.

Life seriously is the most amazing thing.

I just remember how my heart would skip a beat when my phone would ring and HE would be on the other end.

Now, HE calls and I answer, we talk, no nerves.

I'm sure he still looks amazing and has an amazing personality that i Love..... but... I don't have the time.

He invited me to a CD release party tonight, unfortunately, i have to work.

Then Mari-Megan and Dave invited me to a huge party out on the lake.... But i have to work.

Fucking IHOP.

An hour drive around Cedar Springs led to a house with a Dirty Thirty and a bonfire.
Of course, the cute boy was there. Drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. And spitting. He didn't say more than 10 words to me. His phone rang... played the song "all of me" from his band.... I figured it was another girl he had something going with after he looked really, really nervous and said "um... I have to take this" as he practically ran away from the circle. Joey looked over at me "Where's josh?" ...He's on the phone... "ohh..." There is certainly something being hidden.

"Is that the girl you told me about" Jordan asked. He glanced over at me and said "yeah." I had a feeling he was telling a lie. I am pretty good at detecting dishonesty. I know there is someone else. But slightly, not fully, but a tiny little part of me is okay with that. I want him to be happy, and I don't see him happy with me. We're too awkward around each other. Maybe it is because he is really, really ridiculously good looking.

"I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight. Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want. Even though we just can't make it work out, the want-to lingers on.... So once again we wind up in eachother's arms pretending that its right. I know its wrong."

"Let's get out of here," two beers later. I shoved my can into joey's hand and walked away. I had contemplated leaving about 100 times already... but suddenly he was giving me his precious attention that i so craved, so I was not going anywhere. We got to my car and I stalled... I looked at him in the eyes... I knew there was something not right about this whole situation. He asked me if i wanted to go "do something else." I shrugged and said he should probably go to bed. There was a moment where we kissed... Is it bad that i didn't want to let that go? I leaned against my car... pouted that I know its over... Gave an empty promise to hang out again sometime soon.

"What is taking those girls so long? This is a bonfire, not the red carpet."

He was drunk. I was buzzed. We drove home. I'm here, regretting the night. I just wish it were different. I like his personality... i just wish we were not so awkward around eachother. I wish there wasnt someone else.

After all is said and done I must ask myself, "Did I shave my legs for this?"

"Stop all this foolish wishing
He ain't worth missing
I know your head is turning
I know your heart is burning
Girl, you gotta listen
Don't you know he ain't worth missing"

Is it wrong that I would give anything for a story book romance? I want to be happy, in love. I just can't find the right guy to have that with. Of course, I'm 19. I'm no longer afraid of having my heart broken, I'm afraid of never being happy. Everytime I am interested in a guy, he is uninterested. And i'm not interested because he is uninterested, I'm interested before he has the chance to decide whether or not he is interested at all. I guess I'm a stong person and i should just get over it all. I have a lot more important, independent things to worry about... such as my job, my school carreer, my waitressing carreer, and life on the farm.

"Is there a brown-eyed boy in my future?"..."Girl, You've got nothing but time."

I heard the song "Little Moments like That" on the radio today. I couldn't help but think of my best friend. Then "My Best Friend" came on a little further down the road. I miss him. I feel really distant from him recently. I've changed. He's changed. We have different priorities, yet he's still the most supportive person I have in my life. What other guy in my life is actually going to WANT to help my father build a fence for our GOATS and then be excited when I say he will get a chance to help me haul goats to the fairgrounds... He's an amazing person.

I finished my accounting class today. Although summer classes are a pain the ASSSSSS, they're not too bad considering its getting credit out of the way that would take a whole semester. I really, really, really hope I passed the class. I would be DEPRESSED if i failed. I could go either way... I hope its the right way... I didn't take it as seriously as I did at MSU... It reminded me of how I acted in high school.... just trying to get by with a passing grade....
**Still trying to figure out how the hell I got into MSU...** 3.2 GPA and 19 on the ACT... I'm a joke, honestly.

CURT217327: mhm, seeya sometime when the sun isn't up and the smell of pancakes is in the air
the fristi show: write a song about it
CURT217327: okay you're hungry and I'm tired
CURT217327: goodnight Kristi!
the fristi show: sweet dreams!
CURT217327: thanks sweet bacon

...I really do love Bacon! :)

I've given up. Okay, I give up on Friday. 2 more days and I'm over him.

Holy shit, do i everrrrr feel used.

I dyed my hair today... a good bye to one certain person from my past I had not fully gotten over until recently. Now I hope I don't see him again this coming fall. I have enough things to juggle... I don't need him in the mix too.

I went out with Alex tonight... Londa told me to watch out for that boy. Apparently he's a compulsive liar. That's not something I can have respect for... I'm not really into him. Plus, he's 17. And he just graduated high school. We're in different world's. Atleast that's what I figure. I was in a totally different place last summer than I am today.

Who knows?